Sunday, September 12, 2010

Reflection

I am back in America now. I know I have not written in a while but it was due to my own weird inability to commit. This was a blog made mostly for me and I know some may read it but this is me. I will not hide who I am anymore or I will persist on trying.

I have crazy anxiety that I never noticed I had until recently. I become fearful instantly. I leave my door and feel somehow out of place. I have been trying to rid my fears but I think what I need to do is just live with it. When I do I face the fear.

I have dreams that I want to reach. I want so much but I stop myself all the time. I know I have the potential but at the same time I doubt and doubt. I cannot anymore I must just do. Take the action because I have what it takes. We all do.

Friday, July 16, 2010

New Play

I need time to think.

I've been brainstorming for a new play about the Khmer Rouge Tribunal and it's been difficult. I think I may be putting too much pressure on myself to make this great, to make this change lives. I have to calm myself and just write. Write my heart out and paint a picture through my words. Drama and art is a form of therapy for the victims and I want to do this the right way. But there really is no right way is there. I cannot expect too much or I will set myself up for failure yet again. I have to gather all I have, feel what I feel, and together let it flow. I must trust my mind and spirit to create a story from my heart. Writing down what I hear and feel from my heart can never fail me, because I know it is truly from me and no one else. I know not everyone will love it, but at least I will.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Reality

Cambodia is such a wild adventure. I feel like I am finally living in the present moment for once. I want to feel every moment I am here, good and bad. This is one trip that I know will be unforgettable. Every day I am surprised by the beauty of the country. When I am here I feel at home and happy. I know my real home is in the US but Cambodia has so much growth and opportunity to be better. Most people here work hard to make a living and do not take things for granted. They utilize and appreciate. I love it here because it is more real than any place I have ever been to. The poverty, the corruption, the glares are exposed to the public. We know all of this exists, but we continue to hide from it somehow. In Cambodia, it is a little harder to hide from anything. This allows people to be more aware of our surroundings and not to be stuck in a safe bubble. Cambodia allows you to think and reflect freely. This country does not have many restrictions or limitations giving people the ability to control their own lives instead of someone else. Opening the door for creativity and imagination. Many doors are open right now in Cambodia, I am just hoping she picks the right one.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Genocide






What I have seen today is still really hard for me to process. I visited Tuol Sleng (S-21 prison), where most Cambodians were tortured and killed during the Khmer Rouge Regime. The first room I went to had an empty bed with chains on it, and beside it was a picture of the person who was last tortured. Everything was very overwhelming and too much to handle. I think I forced myself to distance myself away from reality by ignoring the truth. I did not want to believe what really happened at this place. I did not want to know that so many people suffered and treated in ways I cannot imagine. I could still see the bloodstains on the floors, everything was left untouched after the horror ended. The next building displayed the pictures of victims who died in this very prison. There were pictures of people of all ages, from babies to elders. It hurts to see that someone can be so inhumane and murder a baby who is just a couple months old. Then you just begin to ask why? Why all of these people? Did all of these people really die? I don't want to believe it, but I know the truth.

Afterwards I visited Cheung Ek, the memorial site for the Killing Fields. Many were executed here by decapitation, by blows to their heads from different sharped objects, or some other horrible way. I walked by the graves and saw the skulls, the bones, and their clothes. It felt so empty, so painful. Many innocent lives lost for what? I feel so much pain because I still wish I could have saved them. The only thing I can give them is justice.

I called my mother to talk to her because I missed her. She told me her father was killed in Tuol Sleng and to find his picture. I could not find it sadly and I will continue to keep searching. I am so happy to have my mother in my life. I still cannot believe what she had experienced in the Khmer Rouge era. She is such a strong woman, and I am proud to say she is my mother. I will do anything in my power to give her justice for her pain and suffering. I will do whatever I can for Cambodia.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Kampot

I am in Kampot listening to the waves of the ocean. It is known for their crab and beaches. I did not come here for work but for a mini vacation. It gives me time to reflect on my journey here and how I feel being here in Cambodia. However, I think it is too soon to tell. I just need to continue enjoying my experience here without any needed interpretation. I must live in the moment so I am aware of all that is around me. I want to soak everything in as it is. I am also so lucky to be surrounded by such intelligent scholars. All the students at DC-CAM are so amazing and passionate in their work. They have so many accomplishments and goals in their lives. They want to help people and also make themselves happy too, which is most important. I hope to be like them sometime in the future. All of them inspire me to reach for the stars without a doubt. They make me want to be free from limitations and restrictions. They allow me to believe in myself and that is something I will always treasure.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Memories

Everyone has a story to tell. Some are in need to tell their stories so they can be heard. Every Cambodian was affected by the Khmer Rouge and still so many stay quiet. Maybe because no one asked or maybe because it hurt too much. Or maybe all are trying to forget. But the truth is we can never forget such a tragedy. Many things can trigger the memories of the past like thinking about your mother because you need help cooking, or your father when you need protection. Half of the population lost one of their parents during the Khmer Rouge and it will continue to follow them. You can never replace family, nothing can ever be the same again when you lose someone you love. Most Cambodians are stuck in a tangle of emotions that they are unable to deal with. These constant reminders of their experience in the Khmer Rouge does not help either. I want to help them heal and feel at peace. I want them to feel happiness again. How do I do that? I know I cannot change everyone, but I will do my best.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Change

As the days progress, I begin to miss my home in America. I am guessing it is normal since I've been here a few weeks already. Getting settled in is really new and exciting, but after that I have to start adapting to this new way of life. I would say it's been difficult for me dealing with it all. I can't understand people because my Khmer is not as fluent as it should be, so sometimes I am too tired to try and understand. Being more and more exposed to Cambodian society has left me disheartened at times. I am learning so much from people and their experiences, but it has made me feel weaker instead of stronger. I see things so negatively when I should be truly inspired. However, I know I will see things positively because inside me lies inner goodness and hope. I need to face my fears and my obstacles so I will be able to feel the real me again. I need to open up my heart to life because I want to love and be loved. I have closed myself up for many years now and I have the power to change that.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Living on my own



I've been living on my own for these past days and it's different. I've never been on my own before without someone I knew who would be nearby. I think it's a good thing though. Having fewer distractions has led me to discover what I am most afraid of. I have been hiding from my past for a very long time, too scared to face what's there. Now is my time to be brave.

I think I identify with Cambodia so much because of the struggle it is trying to overcome. I know our struggles are completely different, but they are still obstacles in life. That's why I have so much hope in the future of Cambodia because it's also what I want for myself.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Svay Reing Interview


The same day I interviewed a 30-year old teacher who was part of the Genocide Education Training for Teachers. We picked her out of many and were lucky to have chosen such a great candidate for my interview. What I found most intriguing about our interview is her view of the countryside and industry. She believed that Cambodian society depended on agriculture and farming and we lack the expertise or technology to help farmers. Compared to Vietnam, we do not have technicians to find solutions for times when agricultural production is interrupted in some way by certain disasters. Most technicians are located in the city and are not able to work and help farmers with their fields directly. I liked her answer because she used the advantages of industry to help preserve the agricultural culture of Cambodia. That is what we need. The answer is to help the countryside people and provide them with different necessities. There should be no more factories and businesses being built over such beautiful land anymore. When we destroy it, we can never have it back again.

Svay Rieng


I went to Svay Reing this past weekend, a province near the Vietnamese border. We dined at a friend of Pou Youk’s who lived in the countryside. They welcomed us with kindness and with great hospitality. Pou had told me that his friend, who now was a teacher, built his whole house himself. He recently built a kitchen for his wife, which was very touching to me. Cambodian people in the countryside work very hard and do not gloat about their accomplishments. They sit humbly watching their guest, hoping they are happy. The lady’s mother told me to not mind them because they are countryside people. They may feel embarrassed but I have nothing but admiration for them. Making their own food, harvesting their own rice, building their own shelter is nothing to be ashamed about. I find so much strength in Cambodians and see it in our culture overall. That is why we cannot lose that part of our culture, it is very important to the lives of Cambodians. The land they live on is so precious and cannot be given up to the evils of the growing industries. I hope they will preserve their land and understand how valuable their land is compared to money. I hope all the countryside people understand this very important fact. I felt so peaceful, so enlightened by their way of life. Nothing I have ever really seen before. I appreciated the moment we all had together because together we shared something special.

Angkor Wat


I went to visit Angkor Wat located in Siem Reap about a week ago. I was able to see the ancient temples and ride on an elephant! I also had the opportunity to talk to the villagers who lived around the temple. Most of them have lived here all their lives and know the ancient myths of the great temple. We visited this one lady because we were told she knew many stories so we came and listened. As she was telling her stories, I could not help but observe her home. It was made out of wood like most Cambodian like huts. There was no real kitchen or bathroom. There were so many bugs and mosquitoes. Her grandchild was covered with mosquito bites and she was itching her back while talking to us at times. Her granddaughter was so beautiful, but lived in such poor living conditions. I hoped she would still be able to have a good life, but truly knew she probably will not. I smiled at her hoping it could make a difference somehow, but I can really do nothing. She was seven years old but looked only about four. I gave her some bug spray and thanked her grandmother for her participation. I cannot forget this experience because this is one of the first times I witnessed firsthand the lives they truly live. I never went to a third world country before and Cambodia being my homeland made everything different. The difference I felt was that these people were my people, and I could do nothing to make their lives better. But as I said before, I cannot change the conditions now; I have the power only to change the future, which always gives me hope.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Anlong Veng

Anlong Veng is a province located near the Thai Border. This also where most former Khmer Rouge cadres live. All I can say it was a great learning experience that still has kept me thinking and understanding all that happened in those few days. I did what I could and witnessed what I saw. That's all I can say.

Starting A Blog

Time to start this blogging process. There is so much to share to others and also I do not want to forget all the adventures I have here. I am in Phnom Penh, Cambodia, the country of smiles. Underneath all the smiles lies the sadness within. Cambodia is a country with a painful past keeping many of the inhabitants hidden under their solemn hearts. The agricultural based society coexisting with the growing industrialized world has caused many difficulties in the nation. Many are poor and struggle to survive each day. They continue each day without dreams and wants because their needs are never met. However, before I arrived here I knew I had to come with an open mind and with no expectations. I did not want any predisposed thoughts and beliefs about this place because I wanted to see the country as it was. I wanted to see all the beauty it offered. I destroyed any walls blocking me from seeing it's pure nature. I know Cambodia has many starving people, I know there is a corrupted wealthy class disregarding the poor, I know many are suffering. But I can not lose sight of what I need to do here by observing the negative. I need to capture the positive because we need to see the road to a hopeful future.