New Play

I need time to think.

I've been brainstorming for a new play about the Khmer Rouge Tribunal and it's been difficult. I think I may be putting too much pressure on myself to make this great, to make this change lives. I have to calm myself and just write. Write my heart out and paint a picture through my words. Drama and art is a form of therapy for the victims and I want to do this the right way. But there really is no right way is there. I cannot expect too much or I will set myself up for failure yet again. I have to gather all I have, feel what I feel, and together let it flow. I must trust my mind and spirit to create a story from my heart. Writing down what I hear and feel from my heart can never fail me, because I know it is truly from me and no one else. I know not everyone will love it, but at least I will.

Reality

Cambodia is such a wild adventure. I feel like I am finally living in the present moment for once. I want to feel every moment I am here, good and bad. This is one trip that I know will be unforgettable. Every day I am surprised by the beauty of the country. When I am here I feel at home and happy. I know my real home is in the US but Cambodia has so much growth and opportunity to be better. Most people here work hard to make a living and do not take things for granted. They utilize and appreciate. I love it here because it is more real than any place I have ever been to. The poverty, the corruption, the glares are exposed to the public. We know all of this exists, but we continue to hide from it somehow. In Cambodia, it is a little harder to hide from anything. This allows people to be more aware of our surroundings and not to be stuck in a safe bubble. Cambodia allows you to think and reflect freely. This country does not have many restrictions or limitations giving people the ability to control their own lives instead of someone else. Opening the door for creativity and imagination. Many doors are open right now in Cambodia, I am just hoping she picks the right one.

Genocide

What I have seen today is still really hard for me to process. I visited Tuol Sleng (S-21 prison), where most Cambodians were tortured and killed during the Khmer Rouge Regime. The first room I went to had an empty bed with chains on it, and beside it was a picture of the person who was last tortured. Everything was very overwhelming and too much to handle. I think I forced myself to distance myself away from reality by ignoring the truth. I did not want to believe what really happened at this place. I did not want to know that so many people suffered and treated in ways I cannot imagine. I could still see the bloodstains on the floors, everything was left untouched after the horror ended. The next building displayed the pictures of victims who died in this very prison. There were pictures of people of all ages, from babies to elders. It hurts to see that someone can be so inhumane and murder a baby who is just a couple months old. Then you just begin to ask why? Why all of these people? Did all of these people really die? I don't want to believe it, but I know the truth.

Afterwards I visited Cheung Ek, the memorial site for the Killing Fields. Many were executed here by decapitation, by blows to their heads from different sharped objects, or some other horrible way. I walked by the graves and saw the skulls, the bones, and their clothes. It felt so empty, so painful. Many innocent lives lost for what? I feel so much pain because I still wish I could have saved them. The only thing I can give them is justice.

I called my mother to talk to her because I missed her. She told me her father was killed in Tuol Sleng and to find his picture. I could not find it sadly and I will continue to keep searching. I am so happy to have my mother in my life. I still cannot believe what she had experienced in the Khmer Rouge era. She is such a strong woman, and I am proud to say she is my mother. I will do anything in my power to give her justice for her pain and suffering. I will do whatever I can for Cambodia.

Kampot

I am in Kampot listening to the waves of the ocean. It is known for their crab and beaches. I did not come here for work but for a mini vacation. It gives me time to reflect on my journey here and how I feel being here in Cambodia. However, I think it is too soon to tell. I just need to continue enjoying my experience here without any needed interpretation. I must live in the moment so I am aware of all that is around me. I want to soak everything in as it is. I am also so lucky to be surrounded by such intelligent scholars. All the students at DC-CAM are so amazing and passionate in their work. They have so many accomplishments and goals in their lives. They want to help people and also make themselves happy too, which is most important. I hope to be like them sometime in the future. All of them inspire me to reach for the stars without a doubt. They make me want to be free from limitations and restrictions. They allow me to believe in myself and that is something I will always treasure.

Memories

Everyone has a story to tell. Some are in need to tell their stories so they can be heard. Every Cambodian was affected by the Khmer Rouge and still so many stay quiet. Maybe because no one asked or maybe because it hurt too much. Or maybe all are trying to forget. But the truth is we can never forget such a tragedy. Many things can trigger the memories of the past like thinking about your mother because you need help cooking, or your father when you need protection. Half of the population lost one of their parents during the Khmer Rouge and it will continue to follow them. You can never replace family, nothing can ever be the same again when you lose someone you love. Most Cambodians are stuck in a tangle of emotions that they are unable to deal with. These constant reminders of their experience in the Khmer Rouge does not help either. I want to help them heal and feel at peace. I want them to feel happiness again. How do I do that? I know I cannot change everyone, but I will do my best.

Change

As the days progress, I begin to miss my home in America. I am guessing it is normal since I've been here a few weeks already. Getting settled in is really new and exciting, but after that I have to start adapting to this new way of life. I would say it's been difficult for me dealing with it all. I can't understand people because my Khmer is not as fluent as it should be, so sometimes I am too tired to try and understand. Being more and more exposed to Cambodian society has left me disheartened at times. I am learning so much from people and their experiences, but it has made me feel weaker instead of stronger. I see things so negatively when I should be truly inspired. However, I know I will see things positively because inside me lies inner goodness and hope. I need to face my fears and my obstacles so I will be able to feel the real me again. I need to open up my heart to life because I want to love and be loved. I have closed myself up for many years now and I have the power to change that.